marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
