the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
