Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
