I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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