Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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