She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
