Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
