I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
