Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
