Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
