The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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