So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
