When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
