I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
