Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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