Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
