you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
