I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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