your parents love me but you hate me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
