Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
