theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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