i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
