my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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