If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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