my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
