I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
