no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
