I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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