he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
