Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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