i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
