highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
