we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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