I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
