I got chris browned last night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
