You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
