i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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