Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
