your room smells of hookers.
And success
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
