The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
