she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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