It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
