I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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