Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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