I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
