I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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