I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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