i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
