Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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