I have demons in me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
