My hand turned me down
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
