Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
