The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
