Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
