I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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